In this comic review from mid-2004, former CYD regular contributor The New Meat is angry! Angry about webcomics! Especially really bad ones that don't make any particular sense, like this article's subject, "Gene Catlowe."
Tuesday, June 15. 2004
Gene Catlowe
Gene Catlowe
by The New Meat
I started out intending to write a big erudite article about the problem with furry web comics. Web comics in general tend to suffer from a lot of problems -haphazard plotting, a poor grasp of fundamental "gag writing," a myopic focus on a niche audience at the expense of genuine humor, slavish imitation of successful artists and genres, blah blah blah (1) - but furry comics have a problem all their own. Namely, while other web comics suck in about a bazillion unique and innovative ways, furry web comics all suck because they're so Goddamn pompous.
Every furry cartoonist thinks he's revealing some GREAT TRUTH that God has revealed to him and him alone, and he's like Moses coming down the mountain except that instead of stone tablets he's carrying shitty scanned fox comic thingies. That's why so many so many furry comics are full of characters that are little more than mouthpieces for the artists' opinions. Everything in the comic - character development, plot, even humor - takes a backseat to long-winded political rants. You'll notice that it's not at all uncommon in furry comics for a character's dialogue balloon to be so large and overloaded with text that it obscures the very person speaking (2). Because, obviously, it doesn't matter who's speaking, since whoever they are they're really just regurgitating the author's views. Right-wing garbage strips like "Better Days" are made up almost entirely of tirades against welfare, environmentalists, and the filthy Jew-and-Homosexual-run liberal media. On the other end of the spectrum, you've got hippy dippy liberal strips like "Ozy and Millie," which, despite being the closest thing the internet has ever produced to a professional comic strip, still has a tendency to go off on rants about that darn Capitalist hegemony. Then there are "hip" and "edgy" strips like "Jack" that drone on and on but are so convoluted that you're never entirely sure what the author's trying to say. And then you have puerile wankfests that have to pretend they're something more, something DEEP and IMPORTANT - which is why "Kit and Kay Boodle" has to tell you every second panel that their constant fucking is a protest against bad ole repression. Booo repression!
Anyway, I was going to go on about pomposity in comics but I got bored trying to write that. So instead here's an article entitled:
The New Meat fucking hates Gene Catlowe.
I know that some folks around here actually like this comic; it's one of those comics that gets trotted out whenever the old "Not all furry web comics suck" argument begins anew. Granted, it isn't the worst comic out there (3). But I wanted to talk about it because, like those comics listed above, its purpose is more to impart DEEP INSIGHT to the benighted masses than to entertain them. Specifically, it's here to tell us, time and again, that racism is bad. Thank you, Gene Catlowe, because I am a circa 1860s southern gentleman who likes to sit on my veranda listening to the soothing spirituals of the Negro workers as they strip the cotton fields on my sprawling plantation, and the fact that racism is bad never occurred to me. Next you'll tell me that blacks aren't just tailless monkeys and that Jews don't make matzo from baby blood! Why, I might just spill my mint julip all over dueling blouse in surprise!
So what's Gene Catlowe about? It's about a world where furries and humans co-exist. But humans are evil and prejudiced so they treat furries like second-class citizens and force them to live in furry ghettos and segregated furry communities and…gosh, it makes you think, don't it? It's almost like…like a metaphor of some kind. If only I could decipher it…. Anyway, Gene is a cat person thing who's a happy cog in a corporate machine. See, here's a comic about corporate headquarters trying to micromanage him.
Oh, Albert Temple, you old maroon! What a wacky world today's modern workplace is! "Dilbert" sure has nothing on you!
Anyway, Gene's got this buddy who's a rabbit who drinks magic coffee that turns him into rabbit Jesus and lets him see the future and stuff. Here's a comic where the rabbit gets pissed and says - Gasp! - the B word.
Beancounter? I guess that's an insult. Oh, the infamy.
Anyway, there's a plot by an evil human named Michael Avaris (I like it because it's subtle) to destroy furries for, like, being inferior and stuff. Ooo, I hate him. He's worse than Osama bin Hitler. Luckily, the rabbit gets help from noble furries like this dog guy and the mayor of Furryville. You know this is a quality comic it can only be understood with the aid of author notes.
Here the evil human makes a television appearance to say mean things about furries. Because furries are all noble, they can only react to this by sadly shaking their heads and turning the other cheek. All except for this guy, who's apparently, you know, mad as hell and not going to take it anymore or something. Everyone else is shocked and appalled by this outburst. OOO HATE ONLY BREEDS MORE HATE!!!!11!
The jerk bear is publicly humiliated and threatened with physical violence because, as we all know, diversity of opinion is bad. Oh no Big Mama is gonna git him for talkin' sass! Incidentally, that rabbit in the lower left hand corner looks…weird. She's drawn in a slightly different style than everyone else and she seems to play an important role in this scene but is never seen again afterwards. This leads me to believe that she's probably someone's "fursona" making a cameo. But surely Albert Temple would be above cameowhoring his comic out?
Oh. I stand corrected.
Whoa, intolerance on both sides. When will we ever learn? Kumbayaa indeed. I like the fact that this is the Church of the Creator of All Things. Time for nondenominational wussery. It's not one of those repressive religions, you see. You know, the sort with rules and things. I assume the address is important to know because…uh…because of stuff.
No, they said YOU were brave. Not that they were brave. Cripes, this is like how Tony the Tiger thinks that anyone who says the word "Great" is somehow talking about Frosted Flakes. Pity? GADZOOKS SHOCKING!
This introduces another plot thread, about some crazy ghost people who are ancestors of both furries and humans. Yes, that's right. Anyway, in this strip, a ghost lady consoles some crazy old bum named Charlie:
In case the satire here is to subtle and nuanced for you, this page means: Golly, isn't modern life ridiculously fast paced? In addition, many of our so-called modern conveniences actually detract from the quality of life! HO HO SILLY MATERIALISTIC HYOOMANS WITH YOUR TOASTERS AND CAPITALISM
Charlie has adventures on the astral plane.
There's a long and illustrious tradition of looking stupid to draw attention to a cause - that's why some animal rights activists dress up like cows and throw pies at statues of Ronald McDonald, some gay rights activists dress in skirts and stilettos, and all hippies dress like hippies. I think these furry sympathizers outdo them all by pasting giant bandages on their asses. It's symbolic of how they don't have tails. It's also the dumbest thing ever.
Luckily, with the help of the ghost people and some sentient toasters, Gene and Rabbit Jesus defeat the evil Hyoomans. That's right, Charlie. He's a stinky butt. That's telling him. Now that that's over, it's time for our heroes to take a relaxing vacation on Friendship Island. No, really. That's what it's called. Because, as some islander explains it, only friends can go there. During "the war," both the Axis and Allied forces failed to hold it because only friends can go there. No, really. That's what the comic says. See?
Yes, Axis and Allies. No moral distinction there. They're both bad because they like war! Booo hyoomans! Stick your war in your stinky butts and smoke it!
Footnotes
1. 90% of web comics follow the same basic template: there's a wacky cah-ray-zee main character who comes up with wacky cah-ray-zee schemes and who is easily distracted by breasts and/or beer and/or (INSERT ANIME OF YOUR CHOICE). Oh, by amazing coincidence, he looks exactly like the cartoonist. Why, he even has the same name! He hangs out with his best friend, who's also cah-ray-zee but less so than the hero because ain't nobody gonna out cah-ray-zee our guy there! Oh, this guy should have the same name that the cartoonist's best friend would have if the cartoonist had any friends. There should also be a sarcastic yet sexy woman to deliver biting wisecracks and cutting observations about the hero's latest scheme. And a cute animal that swears a lot. Also, Jesus should appear at some point to say "Sup?" And someone must act embarrassed by grinning an "Ain't I a stinker?" sorta grin, while scratching the back of their head, and producing a single giant anime sweat drop. All the characters are either sprites, furries, or anime super heroes. Also, they must either be college students, high school students, or role-players.
2. Among "real" comics, only Cathy does this. Because Cathy fucking sucks.
3. That would actually be the aforementioned "Kit and Kay Boodle." No, really.