Monday, September 19. 2005
In part one of his four-part series on some of the 'notable names' of furrydom, former CYDiot Weird_Guy_In_The_Corner examines Jessica Elwood, Dr. Comet, Dark Natasha, Steve Martin, Jess K., and David Hopkins.
Overrated, Underrated, and Granulated:
Entities of the Furry Fandom Part I
One of the things people who participate in the furry fandom get (besides a large gut) is notoriety. Lots and lots of notoriety, and lots and lots of fans. It doesn't matter if you're mediocre or if your style has been ripped off of other artists; as long as people can masturbate to it, then you will automatically become the furry equivalent of a celebrity. You will have hundreds – perhaps thousands – of rabid fanboys groveling at your feet, ready to worship the ground you walk on. Don't worry about being criticized – the fandom's natural hatred for critics will provide protection, so any invective against you, no matter how idiotic and insignificant, will be immediately flamed into nonexistence.
And so it goes. Every day there's some fool who draws one of his characters pulling her labia open or getting fisted or spurting roughly ten gallons of sperm and the fans eat it all up. Every day some anal asshat finds his art on a place where he doesn't want it to be and pitches a fit or the fans find his art and pitch a fit for him. Any opinion that isn't one of “U R TEH GR8EST ARTISTT EVAR!!!!!!!!!1111!1’ is met with derision. It doesn't matter if the opinion is satirical or meant to be humorous, or if the dissenting party just doesn't care for the artist's style; the fans will go ape in a way that makes the girl in The Exorcist look comatose by comparison.
Not all artists are overblown ‘tards; quite a few of them are gifted souls doomed to be smothered by lesser, well-known artists. Others are both talented and well-known. All groups are going to be mocked and ridiculed by me because I am a flaming asshole (not literally, of course). I do not discriminate! If you know me, then you know it's all in good fun! If you don't…you may just be shit out of luck. Hard to say.
I won't just be talking about artists (talented or not). I will also be talking about notorious figures and places in upcoming articles. Let's begin…
Anime/Sonic hybrid furry artist #6,496
Let us begin with a relatively new artist to the fandom: Jessica Elwood. She does appear to have some talent, which is foolishly squandered on drawing with a style that is reminiscent of Sonic the Hedgehog and other characters. Ever read the comic by Archie? I mean the company that produces the comics not that fuck with the crisscrosses on his head. Just like that. What I don't get is why this style is so loved as a form of pornography. Yeah, the Sonic characters look good when they're standing still or fighting a battle, but when you put nasty SEXX0RINGS in the picture it becomes one of the least sexy things in existence. I believe it has something to do with the fact that Sonic originated in Japan and is an anthropomorphic character. Japanese furries are a real draw for furry fans; must be because Japan is almost as fucked up as the fandom. Emphasis on “almost’. Then again, it may just be the furry tendency to ruin everything.
Christ, this art is disturbing
Am I the only one who's a little creeped out by the content of his art? It's not so much what's going on in his pictures but how the characters look; in some pictures the females look too human, as if someone had just applied a little makeup to the subject's face to make them appear catlike/doglike/whatever. In other drawings the females aren't human enough, making one wonder if Comet isn't a few steps away from discarding the anthros entirely and just making drawings of people fucking actual cats or something. Add into the equation that sometimes the subjects are depicted doing it doggy style and your spine starts tingling. My guess is that Comet looked outside one day and saw his daddy getting friendly with Fifi and the image has been burned into his mind ever since. The only way he can keep himself from breaking into the zoo is through his art. As you stare at his pictures, you get a sense of seeing a frightened child screaming for help.
But no one helps.
And what is with that ugly guy that's always fucking the females? One word: Self-insert.
Dark Natasha is one of the better know furry artists, God knows why. It probably has something to do with the fact that most of the subjects in her art are male, thereby appealing to both sexes in the fandom. Other than that, I don't know why she's praised to the skies. Her artistic style isn't very appealing to me; in fact, it's almost on the same level of creepiness of Dr. Comet's art. Seeing the very, very realistic head of a fox/horse/wolf on a chiseled body with an erect penis is more disturbing than you would think. “What's the problem? So it's realistic, so what,’ you may say. Here's the problem: When the subject of the art starts looking like my dog, we have a predicament on our hands. I'll never look at my pets or any canine for that matter, the same way again. Here's a tip: Realistic is not necessarily good. I can only imagine why people would wank to her art in the first place. On second thought, I probably shouldn't.
Why is realism so loved by the fans? Perhaps it is a means to get closer to reality; after all, many of the fans want nothing more than to actually become anthropomorphic beings that walk, talk and fuck. Maybe it is a way for the viewer to enhance his or her imagination. Perhaps Dark Natasha wants to show off her knowledge of human anatomy.
It's that first one. Definitely.
Not the comedian
This guy is a piece of work. Steve-O showed some adult furry artwork to a director at WB back in 1991, thinking the guy wouldn't mind. He did. I have no idea what was going through Steve's mind to make him think that showing some cartoon characters boinking was going to be okay, but there you go. I doubt the man would've gotten hired even if he hadn't made that little mistake because his artwork is shit. The ladies in his art seem to have an anorexic body with the inexplicable exception of bulging muscles on their legs; legs that are six feet long at the least. It doesn't help matters that the models all have really tiny feet. We're talking minuscule here people. Also, the characters seemed to have been dipped in latex since the fur has an unnatural sheen to it. What's truly freaky about the characters is that many of them have these big, bright eyes you would see from characters on a children's show. In other words, Steve Martin masturbates to children's shows. In addition to all of this (make it stop!), the subjects all pretty much have the same pose: legs spread open, ass sticking out, chest thrust forward and so on. And his rodents have huge fucking ears. Satellite dishes for fuck's sake!
Chunky Women "R' Us
Holy shit. This is bad, bad, bad. I don't know what the hell this woman (I assume it's a woman; you never know with furries) was thinking when she started drawing but she should go to art school and learn some shit, namely proportion. The women are all overweight; they have big asses, big hips, and almost no curves. Add to that their tiny heads, blank expressions, somewhat sagging breasts, asymmetrical nipples and huge, pink labia and you have one hell of an eyesore. “But she's just portraying what real women look like!’ you may say. Let me tell you something: I have to look at monstrosities like this almost every day; the last thing I need to be reminded of is that I'll probably end up marrying a beast some day. Since I am a bit picky in the women department (and really, what man isn't?) I'll probably die a virgin.
God, I feel depressed now.
Even the men are not spared as they all have this bloated look, as if their retaining water. Another eerie feature is the prominent nipples. Yes, men have nipples. We know. No need to make them bright pink and draw them so they stick out. I'd rant some more, but every time my brain calls up one of her images I can feel myself die a little bit. You think I'm exaggerating but it really is that horrendous. Maybe VCL with shut her account down on the premise that her characters are too fugly.
Yeah, like that'll ever happen.
Rape, rape, rape
I haven't seen this kind of mind-blowing skill since the 4th grade! I also haven't seen this kind of angst since I was a sophomore in high school. For those of you who don't know, Dave is the creator of a popular web comic called “Jack’, which you can read at www.pholph.com. You can also read The New Meat's thoughts on the comic elsewhere on this site. Basically the comic masquerades as a profound character study (taking place in Hell) when it's really an excuse for Hopkins to throw blood and guts around like so much feces in a monkey cage. And rape. Oodles of rape. I really don't know why Dave is so enamored with the ol' in-out, in-out, but he is. Most of the rape is perpetrated by some rat named Drip (which is a dumb name for a rapist; imagine Jack the Ripper was called Skip instead and you'll get my point), who is personified as the sin of Lust. I always thought rape was a power game but it looks like I'm wrong. Or maybe Dave is. That must be it.
Where was I? The rape. Dave drew a little series called “Bad Security’ or some such shit that featured Drip torturing and raping some security guard. No dialogue, just rape, rape, rape. It's kind of the same thing with his comic: Blood, gore, “deep’ musings, angst and rape. I hate to beat the word to death but there really is an absurd amount of rape.
The comic would be a little more bearable if the artwork didn't look like it was done by a kid in middle school. Ultra violence doesn't suit cutesy characters with big eyes, unless you're doing a satire. In addition, the entire comic is filthy – and I don't mean in a “Hey! That skunk isn't wearing pants!’ kind of way; I mean in a “Damn it, I forgot to clean off the scanner again!’ way. And I don't know what Hopkins uses for color, but he should stop because it sucks.
I admit I used to read the comic once in a while, but I stopped at “Debts’ because it was so fucking slow. Hopkins's problem is that he has a tendency to drag out the littlest action – even something as mundane as getting up and opening a door will take at least two days of updates. In other words, Hopkins is doing his damndest to drag this friggin' thing out. A recent update reveals that he's halfway done. HALFWAY. Jesus!
But where would a sub-par artist be without his slavering fans? His forum is chock-full of “Jack’ fans and furry fans in general. There are roughly 11,000 posts in the “Jack Discussion’ forum, 600 posts in the “Fan Fiction’ section, 1000 posts in the “Suggestions’ forum, and 5000 posts in the “Fan Art’ section. I've written the preceding sentence in italics so you can look at it over and over again until blood begins to drip out of your ears. In addition to the “Jack’ forums there are some stupid discussion forums and forums you can role-play in.
There's also a forum where you can post porn.
Now I know why “Jack’ is so popular.