Debate: Should you tell your ex about major life changes or keep it cold?

I keep seeing posts where people say you have to cut all contact completely after divorce. But my therapist says that's not always realistic, especially if you share kids or mutual friends. Like, my ex got a new job in Chicago last month and I found out through a friend, which felt weird and awkward. On the other hand, my buddy told his ex about his mom passing and she used it to guilt trip him during custody talks. So which is it? Should you share big stuff if it affects nothing legal, or does that just open the door for drama? Has anyone found a middle ground that actually works?

3 comments

3 Comments

the_alex6d ago

...and honestly it depends a lot on the specific people involved and the specific news. In my experience the middle ground is asking yourself one question before you share anything: "Am I telling them this for them, or for me?" If it's to keep them in the loop because it affects the kids or a shared financial situation, that's one thing. But if you're just wanting them to know so you can feel better about not hiding stuff, that's usually more about your own guilt than anything practical. I've found that setting a hard rule of "only share things that directly impact co-parenting or legal stuff" helps avoid the gray area mess. Your mileage may vary of course, since some exes can turn even a simple "I got a new car" into a whole guilt trip.

carr.abby5d ago

Oh holy hell, that question about "is it for them or for me?" hits way too close to home. But I think there's another layer nobody's talking about - sometimes you NEED to share something because keeping it secret is actually more awkward than the sharing itself. Like if you're gonna run into each other at a mutual friend's wedding and your ex doesn't know you're engaged again, that's a bomb waiting to go off. I've seen people twist themselves into pretzels trying to hide normal life stuff and it just makes every interaction weird and tense. The real trick is figuring out if silence is protecting peace or just breeding anxiety. For me, I ended up with a "heads up for anything that'll come up naturally" rule instead of trying to be totally cold.

miles_robinson206d ago

That's basically most life stuff, figuring out who needs what and who just wants it.